An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
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What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
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*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
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