An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
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Impervious: being an admitted pervert
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack