An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
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Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
happy halloween
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.