An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
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If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Has there ever been a more American story?
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.