An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
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Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
buying dead houseplants to save time
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Well. That’s not a good sign.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?