An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
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This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Good dog. ❤️
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now