Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton

baa baa black sheep: uhhh

dealer: *narrows eyes*

farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made

GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!

WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates

GOD: um ok

*dinos die, man appears*

GOD: wtf

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:

To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again

*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*

Mondays, amirite?

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*

my proudest tweet

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

Chewbacca before you swallowbacca