An escape room, but it’s trying to find a specialist in your network who is less than 147 miles away.
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Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
same energy
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If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob