An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
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If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
When someone says you are so lazy
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.