Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

I cannot call her anything else now

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?

me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious

Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?

Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…

Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh

This anagram machine is out of order.

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.