An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
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I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Jurassic park gets weird
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”