Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

Boss: I had a dream about you last night.

Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

???????????????????????

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter

does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything

*chugging beers at 11am*

Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!

Me: That’s today?

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that

Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.