Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”

thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea

People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop

Going to church you guys need anything

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.

– Yoda does Hamlet

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way

ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys