[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
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Me: ‘This may be the beer talking, but that is a VERY sharp outfit you have on.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Make sure to tip your waitress. It’s pretty funny when they fall over.
When I google “at home remedies,” do not tell me to boil a ginger root like I keep a pantry full of ginger roots. I’m talking how can I fix this with some mustard, Coors Light and a gallon-size jar of pickles.
Why are there so many books, movies and TV shows about clergy who solve mysteries?
I can’t even figure out which fuse box controls the church A/C that I’ve been told for 7yrs exists but which I’ve yet to feel.
And where do they fit in writing sermons between all the murders?