An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
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My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.