@daemonic3

An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me

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@bobby

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

@better_off_dad2

Me: ‘This may be the beer talking, but that is a VERY sharp outfit you have on.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

@cameronesposito

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

@living_marble

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

@EliTerry

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

@rickolantern

When did razors get so expensive?

Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave

@Cpin42

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

@NarisaTrammell

When I google “at home remedies,” do not tell me to boil a ginger root like I keep a pantry full of ginger roots. I’m talking how can I fix this with some mustard, Coors Light and a gallon-size jar of pickles.

@RevDaniel

Why are there so many books, movies and TV shows about clergy who solve mysteries?

I can’t even figure out which fuse box controls the church A/C that I’ve been told for 7yrs exists but which I’ve yet to feel.

And where do they fit in writing sermons between all the murders?