Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.

Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

👍

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

Who called them bad decisions and not instinks?

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

Why? Just why? 😂

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me

“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians

Festival

Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?

Me: No, thank you.

PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!

Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.

Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.