Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it

The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

No one:

London landlords:

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.

My favorite type of men is ramen.

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

what is cheese if not milk persevering

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”

please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters