An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
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My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea