Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.

~ me, flirting.

In New England, we only have two seasons:

1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car

We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.

My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

Today’s tshirt

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.

My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”