An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
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the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.