An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
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People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.