An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
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So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?