An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
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If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?