An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
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WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst dogshit advice to a coworker
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?
“Queuecumbers”.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?