Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?

Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”

Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”

Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

Too easy.

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]

GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-

me: look, we need more strong female lead char-

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!

adorable snowman: rawr

hikers: awwww

*starts eating them*

hikers: AWWWW

I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video