Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people

Clown: How many uncomfortably?

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

Art by Pastelkatto

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.

Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second

Encore…

Never go to sleep after making me angry