Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

There’s no “u” in narcissist

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

I’m the drunk sheep of the family.

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper

me: [from a distance] just open it

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

58.