Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.

What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?

I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.

So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

With a text.

EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:

We hear a single piano key play.

A shot of a basketball court at dusk.

Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”

A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.

This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

Show me your pushy.

– Sean Connery shext

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.

What do whales do on a date?

Net flicks and krill.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.