An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
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awesome draft from months ago i just found
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
Wolves should really raise more people.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.