An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
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I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
RT if you could go either way.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”