Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.