“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
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i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Every time I hear a Christmas Carol, I’m picturing Jesus with that look people get when they’re waiting for you to finish singing them ‘Happy Birthday’.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
With a text.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Ok but actually
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M