“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
You Might Also Like
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
🤭😂
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
honestly, i need both:
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”