“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
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Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I bet oiling and wrapping potatoes in aluminum foil feels so good for the potato
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs