An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
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I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
my fav colour is also hitler
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
finally
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
