An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
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cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
The Others (2001)
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I’m giving up for Lent.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.