An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
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asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.