An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
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“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
thank god
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.