An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
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I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Well, shit
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one