An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
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ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
*wraps present*
Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.
[20 minutes later]
Shit.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.