Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel

Word find for ghosts:

O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o

Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

all that yoga finally paid off

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city

GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?

BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything

[first date at restaurant]

Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.

wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?

You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing