An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
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I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Me trying to reach for my goals
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
barbara was highly relatable
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
#Caturday