Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

Her: What do you do for fun?

Me: I write jokes about water vapor

Her: What’s that like?

M: It’s a gas

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

Cereal. Check.

Milk. Check.

Bread. Check.

Fruit. Check.

Salad. Check.

Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you

My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest

[group therapy]

“I always feel unnoticed”

NINJA: I hear ya

CHAMELEON: Same

GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

Jesus: one of you will betray me

Judas: *surprised pikachu face*

My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?

Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”

Trinity: but why though

Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.