Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”

Apparently the other 2 become immortal.

There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.

Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

date: omg !!!!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

?¿

When you let grandma cat sit

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.

me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.