An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
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Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Livid.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day