An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
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It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…