An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
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Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
fair
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
When I face a minor setback
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.