An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
You Might Also Like
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
the last thing a carrot sees
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem