an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
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I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.
Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.