an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
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the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys