an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
You Might Also Like
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15