An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
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Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
called in thicc to work this morning
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
This probably isn’t good
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it