An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
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We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam