An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
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Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.