an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
You Might Also Like
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
satan: not today, microsoft teams
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
bro what is going on at twitter
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”