An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
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My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.