Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.

My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

Interviewer: describe yourself

Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.