an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
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You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.
But I eventually calmed down.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean