an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
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Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.