an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
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Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching