Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.

“Next house. This one’s been done already.”

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches

Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?

In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.

God: you’re a parrot.

Parrot: ok.

God: you can repeat everything you hear.

Parrot: humans are the worst.

God: uh what?

Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.

God:

Parrot:

God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?

Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.

“Bigotry”

-an Italian guy describing an oak

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?