an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
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I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
My dad.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
How animals would run if they were human
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
