An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
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WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
me, too, girl. me, too.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?