An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
You Might Also Like
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”