An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
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nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
my favorite genre of twitter
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…