You Might Also Like
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
How times have changed.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
first you must answer his riddles
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?