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I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
that’s really how it is
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I march to the beat of my own dumb
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.