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“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
LMAO
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.