Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

every time I roll over in the middle of the night

You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?

her: yeah, sure

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.