An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
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me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
no regrets
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If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity