An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
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My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
[McDonald’s interview]
Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working
Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*
Sorry it’s out of order
Interviewer: when can you start?
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
