An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
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Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
My dream job is getting paid to dream
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Body by sandwich.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link