an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
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Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
I just love that new Pope smell.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.