an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
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“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.