An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
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With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
New Tinder profile.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already