An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
You Might Also Like
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Not today
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
You’re never alone. Theres mold
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool