An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
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Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”