An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
You Might Also Like
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
Never ghost your hitman.
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.