Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK

Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”

Strange

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.

Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”