AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
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WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.