An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
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(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Me checking my bank balance online.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago